ChicCritique

like i'm the only one judging what the world is wearing...

I had to step back and reming myself that today was only Monday.

A week ago, I was thrilled to see my doctor and proud and excited to tell her that P and I were ready to begin the process of having another baby. I smiled inside, to myself, as I spent a bazillion dollars on the meds at Walgreens. I smiled outwardly, at my husband, as I popped the pills that would make me a total bitch at times, but would ultimately play an important role of completing our family. It was easy then, to smile, even though I knew my body would be put through hell, losing hair, growing weird hair, gaining weight, losing my mind, all to bring another perfect life into our lives.

Less than a week ago, I was going to my first interview in too long. Anticipating the injection of adults into my toddler-centric life and welcoming the excuse to dress up, to put on heels and use a purse instead of a diaper bag. I felt like myself in the meeting, strong, and confident, and competent - so different from being home with the boys where my resolve to structure their play dissipates in favor of fun, causing my mind to wander into worry and doubt. How can anyone be sure of what they’re doing when they’re essentially forming two people into…well, into people, when someone is doing the most important job of all, I’d argue?

Five days ago, my morning started like any other and dissolved so quickly into shaking hands and yelling, broken toilet seats and babies crying. I hated, and still hate, myself for being sickened and still a little bit turned on, if we’re being honest, by my husband’s wishes for another woman. I’m no prude and they mirrored our own intimacy in so many ways. I began to unravel another betrayal, another relationship, which although less sexual, was so much closer to being physical, and was so much more in depth, and was so much more protected by and lied about by my P.

Four days ago, three days ago, I was still unraveling the additional attempted relationships that P has pursued/had been pursuing. I was still finding out about the lies he’s told these numerous women about his home life in order to gain common ground, to get them to open up, to make himself look under appreciated and in need of attention, when in reality, by his own admission, he’s very well-loved by his wife.

Three days ago, I went out with my sister and cousins and I drank myself silly for the first and last time in forever, I’m sure. I retold my story, as a woman scorned, with less tears, and more cuss words this time. I got hit on by the cutest guy in the bar; I flirted back and scored a free drink or two, all the while, texting my ex for reassurances and knowing that I’d end up in bed (or on couch, rather), with my husband, for the last time in a long, long time, once I returned home. I did and I don’t regret it. Even if it didn’t remind him of why he’ll never do any better than me (he won’t), it did what I really wanted it to do: allowed me to be kissed and comforted and held by the by the man I love, even if it was the last time.

Two days ago, I moved the boys and myself in with my parents. Luckily for us, their empty nest is well-suited to our situation, with the three of us guests nearly occupying our own wing. My parents have been enamored with their grandsons since the day they were born, 361 days ago, and they’re bored enough these days to welcome our mess and our noise.

- And I can’t believe it, still. My life has been broken down from a three-bedroom home full of love and fun and anticipation, to two bedrooms of borrowed space, days that turn into nights without the break that my husband once offered, anticipation replaced with dread. What’s next?

Thank you so much, for all of the e-support, which has felt, in my heart, so warm, and has meant so much to me. I wish I could hug you all and respond to each of you, but this little update, which has turned into not such a little update, has taken a lot out of me.

  1. carolineandco said: thinking of you.
  2. thestoryofoneconnecticutgirl said: I have been thinking of you (despite not knowing you) & wishing for things to turn out for the best for you. Keep your head up.
  3. chiccritique posted this